Last weekend, I went to Tampa to attend the Landmark Forum. It's a sort of self-improvement program for people who want to experience a better quality of life. (You can research it here if you wish.)
I want to share with you some of what I personally got out of it. Brace yourself for some honesty. It's almost painful for me to to post this.
I discovered that I have issues with authenticity.
[I'm curious. Are you surprised? I'm guessing you're probably not...]
It didn't really occur to me till this weekend, but I sort of energetically run around making sure I get the message across that my life is super awesome, hunky dorey, and I have not a care in the world, when I am actually drowning.
I imagine myself at a large and beautiful pool, surrounded by people I know. Everybody is soaking up the rays and peacefully enjoying one another's company. I am out there in the deep end, I have a cute bathing suit on and a trendy swim cap, of course, but also these weights on my ankles which are pulling me down. I am swallowing a lot of chlorinated water, while trying to breathe and tread water. If anybody looks my way in concern, I laugh and hold up a sign that says, "Don't mind me, I'm exercising!"
Ridiculous.
I guess, that's what I do. I pretend to be enjoying my life. I am concentrating so much of my efforts into making sure others believe I am enjoying myself, that in reality I am not b/c I'm never fully engaged in the moment. Furthermore, I have this perceived idea of how I think others want me to be, and so I take on that persona. As a result, my relationships suffer b/c, in order for me to keep it up, I have to maintain a safe distance with everybody. This limits me tremendously and leaves me unfulfilled. No matter where I am, I believe that I am an outsider, but I tell myself that it's ok, b/c at least I look like I'm fine.
The bottom line is that I'm so preoccupied with my idea of "looking good" that I am disengaged. Besides being completely unsatisfying, two ironic things about this exist. You can probably see right through my in-authenticity, number one, and number two, it doesn't actually look good anyhow.
What does this mean in specifics?... Well, I will tell you.
- I have relationships with men that I'm not actually in love with. (Anybody out there wondering why I'm still not married? Bingo.) There are various reasons, and so much more I could say on the matter, but I won't. Suffice it to say, that love has rarely been the driving force in my relationships.
-I have only dated 1 person that I was truly absolutely crazy into, but it ended quite abruptly b/c I couldn't be real with him.
-Years ago, in Idaho, I gave up my scholarship and a possible future performing to pursue something "more meaningful" [??] b/c I thought it made me look like an airhead with no ambition if I didn't.
- I went to college for Biology and Chemistry, which I had little interest in b/c it made me look smart.
- I nearly went into a profession (of dentistry) that I had zero passion for b/c it made me look capable.
-I kept all the rules b/c it made me look like a good girl.
-I haven't stuck with hardly anything, b/c I likely didn't start it for myself.
- I often don't listen when people are speaking b/c I'm anticipating the next thing that I'm going to say.
-I have been carrying on this charade for so long that I'm having trouble figuring out what it is I even want out of life.
And I believe the list could continue on indefinitely. I'm hopelessly flawed, and not in the charming way Jane Austin says it.
Despite myself, and all my efforts, I have a two friends that boldly called me out on my shenanigans. One did it on purpose and the other did it unwittingly, but they are both responsible for how I ended up here. (In total seriousness, I feel that I am an addict who just had an intervention).
There is some good news, in case you're wondering.
- The first thing is that my frame of reference in dealing with others has shifted significantly. I've immediately been experiencing increased love and compassion for people around me. Although I am feeling sort of down for obvious reasons, I am feeling generous and easy about giving other people positive energy. Normally, I walk through life quickly, busy in my head, aloof, and not noticing those around me too often. I'm deliberate about the words and affection I offer people. But now, I feel like I just want to look and smile to everybody who passes by me, and hug my friends.
- Secondly, I feel sort of relieved. I am giving myself the green light to be who I want to be. It's frankly exhausting to live in-authentically. If the truth is that people see through my act, and are judging me anyhow, I might as well be true to myself and stop trying so hard to impress people that I probably don't even like in the first place.
So, I am creating for myself a few possibilities of being.
1. I am creating for myself the possibility of being true to my word.
2. I am creating for myself the possibility of being full of love and acceptance.
3. I am creating for myself the possibility of being courageous.
I no longer want to be a person who justifies myself out of commitments with "valid" reasons (it's too hard, too inconvenient, too embarrassing) of why I won't [fill in the blank] grow and progress. I want incredible things to start happening. And they will, by my having integrity to what I declare.
The incredible things of which I speak.
- I am going to be committed to my dancing business and I am going to learn my business. It occurred to me last weekend that I have not been asking for help b/c I didn't want to appear incompetent. I'm going to tell you right now. I don't have a CLUE what I am doing here. I've never owned a business before, I didn't go to school for business. I have only been lucky so far, but now it's time to get real. I have a lot to learn. I am getting a coach, I am going to start asking questions and involving those around me so that my business is as successful as it can possibly be.
- I am going to have a real, intimate, and meaningful relationship with a man that I am absolutely butt crazy in love with. I am not going to settle for less ever again b/c it's convenient or b/c I'm concerned with other people's opinions. He is going to be my best friend. He is going to know me b/c I am not going to withhold anything. He is going to know that I love him b/c I am going to tell him and show him.
- I am going to be complete with my family. I love them, and we are what we have. I am going to call each of them once a week, and take the sacrifices needed to get my butt on a plane to see them more than once a year.
- I am going to magnify my church callings. I am going to spend 30 minutes to an hour each day in deliberate study and preparation for my lessons, reading my scriptures and pondering ways to serve my neighbors (especially my visiting teach-ees).
Amen and good day.
