a possibility. 3 actually.

Last weekend, I went to Tampa to attend the Landmark Forum.  It's a sort of self-improvement program for people who want to experience a better quality of life.  (You can research it here if you wish.)

I want to share with you some of what I personally got out of it.  Brace yourself for some honesty.  It's almost painful for me to to post this.

I discovered that I have issues with authenticity.

[I'm curious. Are you surprised? I'm guessing you're probably not...]

It didn't really occur to me till this weekend, but I sort of energetically run around making sure I get the message across that my life is super awesome, hunky dorey, and I have not a care in the world, when I am actually drowning. 

I imagine myself at a large and beautiful pool, surrounded by people I know.  Everybody is soaking up the rays and peacefully enjoying one another's company.  I am out there in the deep end, I have a cute bathing suit on and a trendy swim cap, of course, but also these weights on my ankles which are pulling me down.  I am swallowing a lot of chlorinated water, while trying to breathe and tread water.  If anybody looks my way in concern, I laugh and hold up a sign that says, "Don't mind me, I'm exercising!" 

Ridiculous.

I guess, that's what I do.  I pretend to be enjoying my life.  I am concentrating so much of my efforts into making sure others believe I am enjoying myself, that in reality I am not b/c I'm never fully engaged in the moment.  Furthermore, I have this perceived idea of how I think others want me to be, and so I take on that persona.  As a result, my relationships suffer b/c, in order for me to keep it up, I have to maintain a safe distance with everybody.  This limits me tremendously and leaves me unfulfilled.  No matter where I am, I believe that I am an outsider, but I tell myself that it's ok, b/c at least I look like I'm fine.

The bottom line is that I'm so preoccupied with my idea of "looking good" that I am disengaged.  Besides being completely unsatisfying, two ironic things about this exist.  You can probably see right through my in-authenticity, number one, and number two, it doesn't actually look good anyhow.

What does this mean in specifics?... Well, I will tell you.

- I have relationships with men that I'm not actually in love with. (Anybody out there wondering why I'm still not married? Bingo.) There are various reasons, and so much more I could say on the matter, but I won't. Suffice it to say, that love has rarely been the driving force in my relationships.

-I have only dated 1 person that I was truly absolutely crazy into, but it ended quite abruptly b/c I couldn't be real with him.

-Years ago, in Idaho, I gave up my scholarship and a possible future performing to pursue something "more meaningful" [??] b/c I thought it made me look like an airhead with no ambition if I didn't.

- I went to college for Biology and Chemistry, which I had little interest in b/c it made me look smart.

- I nearly went into a profession (of dentistry) that I had zero passion for b/c it made me look capable.

-I kept all the rules b/c it made me look like a good girl.

-I haven't stuck with hardly anything, b/c I likely didn't start it for myself.

- I often don't listen when people are speaking b/c I'm anticipating the next thing that I'm going to say.

-I have been carrying on this charade for so long that I'm having trouble figuring out what it is I even want out of life.

And I believe the list could continue on indefinitely.  I'm hopelessly flawed, and not in the charming way Jane Austin says it.

Despite myself, and all my efforts, I have a two friends that boldly called me out on my shenanigans.  One did it on purpose and the other did it unwittingly, but they are both responsible for how I ended up here.  (In total seriousness, I feel that I am an addict who just had an intervention).

There is some good news, in case you're wondering.

- The first thing is that my frame of reference in dealing with others has shifted significantly.  I've immediately been experiencing increased love and compassion for people around me.  Although I am feeling sort of down for obvious reasons, I am feeling generous and easy about giving other people positive energy.  Normally, I walk through life quickly, busy in my head, aloof, and not noticing those around me too often.  I'm deliberate about the words and affection I offer people.  But now, I feel like I just want to look and smile to everybody who passes by me, and hug my friends.  

- Secondly, I feel sort of relieved.  I am giving myself the green light to be who I want to be. It's frankly exhausting to live in-authentically.  If the truth is that people see through my act, and are judging me anyhow, I might as well be true to myself and stop trying so hard to impress people that I probably don't even like in the first place.

So, I am creating for myself a few possibilities of being.

1. I am creating for myself the possibility of being true to my word.

2. I am creating for myself the possibility of being full of love and acceptance.

3. I am creating for myself the possibility of being courageous.

I no longer want to be a person who justifies myself out of commitments with "valid" reasons (it's too hard, too inconvenient, too embarrassing) of why I won't [fill in the blank] grow and progress.  I want incredible things to start happening.  And they will, by my having integrity to what I declare.

The incredible things of which I speak.

- I am going to be committed to my dancing business and I am going to learn my business.  It occurred to me last weekend that I have not been asking for help b/c I didn't want to appear incompetent.  I'm going to tell you right now.  I don't have a CLUE what I am doing here.  I've never owned a business before, I didn't go to school for business.  I have only been lucky so far, but now it's time to get real.  I have a lot to learn.  I am getting a coach, I am going to start asking questions and involving those around me so that my business is as successful as it can possibly be.

- I am going to have a real, intimate, and meaningful relationship with a man that I am absolutely butt crazy in love with.  I am not going to settle for less ever again b/c it's convenient or b/c I'm concerned with other people's opinions.  He is going to be my best friend.  He is going to know me b/c I am not going to withhold anything.  He is going to know that I love him b/c I am going to tell him and show him.

- I am going to be complete with my family.  I love them, and we are what we have.  I am going to call each of them once a week, and take the sacrifices needed to get my butt on a plane to see them more than once a year.

- I am going to magnify my church callings.  I am going to spend 30 minutes to an hour each day in deliberate study and preparation for my lessons, reading my scriptures and pondering ways to serve my neighbors (especially my visiting teach-ees).

Amen and good day.

Public Announcement

So, the other day, one of my younger-ish friends, (who I adore) during a game of ultimate Frisbee, turned to me and said,

"You know Jessica, I can totally see why O. and Z. love to hang out with you.  I used to love to hang out with this girl who was much older than me too, and it made me feel really cool."   ...

Apparently, I responded something like this... crooked half smile....... silence.............?............... "oh!............ yeah!...... me too!"..............silence...........crooked half smile.........averting eyes......then running away...................
See, we were playing a game, so it was socially acceptable for me to run away at that moment..., but then I came back, b/c I was guarding her.  Before I fled the scene, I suppose she sensed that perhaps she offended me, so she proceeded to tell me that she meant it as a compliment and hoped she hadn't hurt my feelings by *ahem* calling me old.... ?

I wasn't offended.  I was surprised-turned speechless due to my inability to run and think at the same time.

It gave me pause though....
I am 28 now.... weird.
Wait.... am I old?
No! I'm not ollld.... I'm just... me.
But... is it weird that I love to hang out with a couple girls that are 8-10 years younger than me?
No! They're awesome!  Besides. I enjoy keeping the company of people of all ages.  It keeps things interesting.

I'm pretty sure that is what my friend was trying to say.  She can see that I am super awesome b/c I can hang out with younger girls due to my own youthful energy and vibrancy.  ;)

But I would still like to make a public announcement.

If you want to make comments to me about my age, marital status, bmi, car, fingernail polish, hair style, obsession with personality tests or any other Jessica-esque quality that I possess- It's alright. I enjoy the attention! And don't worry, I won't get offended either.  I'm pretty sure taking offense gives you wrinkles.  However, I can't promise that I won't over-analyze the situation though, just to check in and make sure that I'm still a contributing member of society....

Anywhooooo....

Oh yeah. So, I turned 28 yesterday!  All I cared about was cake-  Did I get some? Yes I did, and my friends even made it for me! Nice!
Aaaand I'm pretty sure Facebook was invented to boost my self-esteem.  I loved the birthday wishes on there. I felt the love fo sho. ThankshGUyzh!

(In case you're wondering what happened to the masquerade plans- we did not have a masquerade party, there were just too many conflicting elements (such as ward activities and missionary going away parties) that caused us to merely postpone it till maybe next month.  Stay tuned for masked awesome-ness coming to you in the near future.)

Here are some completely age appropriate photos of me from last month- Y'know- Doing my thang with my bf Dixie, who also happens to be 28. 

Christmas in Louisiana

This is Dixie, Ayden and Vera. Ayden has the biggest heart of any little boy I've ever met. He loves kissing his cousin Vera and little sister and hanging out with his "aunt" Jessica. I am going to miss this kiddo.

This is Stacy, Dixie's sister.  She is pretty rad.  Her and her husband Josh were hostesses for Christmas and were way awesome about me crashing in on all the fun.  I love their family like my own.

Pawpaw Chuck!

These two little girlies make me want to have babies. They are soooo sweet.

Seeesters Stacy and Dixie

This is Stacy's husband Josh, with Vera and Pawpaw.  I love this picture.  Vera is so happy!

Just arrived to New Orleans for some site seeing and shopping.

Ian, funny kid.  He wouldn't take these sunglasses off for anything. I think it was like one of those "Big Daddy" things where he's protected from strangers with em on.  Ian cracked me up the whole trip.  He has the face and demeanor and middle name sake of his pawpaw Chuck, and it's super cute.

So you know how some cities have those silver statue looking dudes that pose very still and if you give him a dollar they'll do something crazy or unexpected?  Yeah.  This wasn't one of those kind of moments. He was really just a statue. This uber lame dude in the yellow was the "artist"....Scam artist....

Some of the fam walking around

This is a muffalata... it's something you gotta try when in New Orleans. Preee good.

French quarter

Bras.

Bourbon Street

This voodoo doll store was awesome. I loved the colors and creativity.  Dixie and I got each other little voodoo keychain dolls.  Hers had a mohawk and mine had a tutu.

Jamie Hayes is a known local artist who creates bright and fun pieces that I dig.

This keyboard smile is sort of his token signature.

Frolf! Markus on the left is Dixie's husband and Josh on the right is Stacy's.  These guys are a lot of fun to be around, as you can see.

gift wrapping

Vera enjoying the paper as much as the gifts :)

Ayden got this awesome 4D shark model that I loved just as much as he did.  Ayden and I both share an affinity for sharks, which I think is sort of unusual as most people prefer dolphins or whatever.  Anyway, we watched a lot of YouTube shark videos and stuff together.  T'was fun.

Cute as a button

Ian waiting for the fun to begin.  Hilarious.

Dixie and Afton.  Afton has the cutest voice.  She jibberjabbers constantly and I love it.  She is such a cool kid.  It's strange that she's only 7 months older than Vera.   She has like this old soul and you almost forget she's a baby.  I love that little girl!

Shark tooth.  You can hardly see it, and I'm not sure why he's frowing...buuut he was pretty excited about it.  This must be his earnest look. haha

Impromptu karaoke.  This is Ms Lorna singing with Vera and Josh

Stacy, Dixie, Charlie, Aunt Videt, and uncle David singing Christmas songs.

The family

Hello. It's me. Just keeping my promise.

Today was a great Sunday.  The majority of the single's ward was absent for the holidays so our congregation was small.  I loved it.  The spirit in our ward is always strong, but for some reason it seemed extra special and intimate this day. Yay. :)

I wore blue suede heels to match my blue fingernails.  It made me feel coool.  I also wore these pink lace fingerless gloves that pretty much rocked my world. 

From this angle it looks like I was totally punk rocked out for church...and no worries, mom,  I wasn't!  I had a very classy Anne Taylor dress on, so the blue nails and fingerless gloves were just fun accessories.

Anyways...moving on....

I am driving to Louisiana tomorrow to see one of my dearest friends, Dixie Mann who is in from England + her hubs + darling offspring + rest of the Holloway clan, which is pretty much my extended family, so I'm quite excited. I've never been to La... here I come Nawlins + Red Stick! ... K, they don't actually call Baton Rouge that... 

Currently....In the meantime, I am [not] packing and laying in bed, doing one of my fave past times.  Downloading music and rocking out and stumbling.

Ever heard of Rusted Root?.... They're awes.

Alert.  I'm feeling throat-ish.  I need to not get sick on this trip. That would be bad for the babies that I intend on snuggling the entire time.

so...
This is what I'm thinking for the future.
I'm getting certified to dive and learning surf (for reals this time).  This coming Spring/Summer is going to be epic. And I don't use that word lightly.
Somehow I'm going to try and make it to a Tony Robbins seminar that is happening in Ft. Lauderdale in March.
I am going to continue to run and perhaps sign up for a race (yikes!)

Why am I looking so far into the future? ...

Let's talk about what is most pressing- My birthday party! In like 3 weeks!
OH M'GSH.  It is going to be. the! BEST! It's going to be a suuuuper fancy masquerade. AH!

Here's my inspiration.  I can't decide which girl I'm going to channel.  Probably the one on the left.

And.
I like this picture.

I'm happiest when I'm dancing.
The end.

This is your life. Travel Often.

The Book Thief.

The last book that I read that had such a touching impact on me as this, The Book Thief, was the Kite Runner... which makes me think of Memoirs of a Geisha too.  (Note how all 3 of these involve war in the plot) I don't know why I am drawn in so tightly to books that depress me for hours after I finish the last page.  I'm so attracted to the melancholy! ... Not all the time, but they seem to stay with me far longer than books that make me laugh.  I love tragedy and suffering.  I guess it's b/c I love it when the human spirit prevails maintaining hope and love.  There is probably some psychological suggestion that a therapist can offer me as well...
Anywho. This book is brill.  I don't like to let myself cry b/c I have sensitive skin, you know...and it's not good for my complexion.  I couldn't help myself this time; tears flowed.  If you like this sort of thing too, give this book a read.