I'm still here!

Update!

I'm going to dedicate a future blog post for the subject of my work, so I'm not going to say much here on the matter. And you'll have to wait a little over a month for it.  Sorry, but don't worry, it'll be worth the wait :)  All I will say now, is that a month from today is our recital and these lil darlings are going to be positively edible.  I love my girls!

As you may know, I took up horseback riding last summer, and have been off and on taking lessons for the past several months.  Unfortunately, that has ceased indefinitely.  I have to be careful with the risks I choose to take with my body since I make my living moving and grooving.  It makes me mildly sad, I do love my foggy, early morning rides with those majestic creatures.  I promise myself I will take it up again, when the time is right.

I've started running again, and I participate in ultimate frisbee most Saturday mornings.  This Saturday, however, I'll be playing in my first softball game in like...decades...(wish me luck!) I love the physical activity.  It makes me feel alive and clearheaded.

This year (as in 2011) I've taken out my kayak, just once... it's such a beast to lug around, but once it's in the water, its worth it.  I reckon I'll be doing this a lot this summer as long as I have another set of hands who want to join me.  I love seeing the Alligators sunning on the banks or swimming in the water.  I'm always looking for them, but they mostly steer clear of humans, so they're hard to spot.  I took my friend Hayley out, last weekend, and she got so upset when I confirmed there was probably gators where we were currently kayaking.  Apparently, she, from Washington state, didn't get the memo that the big lizards are still alive and thriving in Florida... ha!

I have decided that my life will not be complete until I go out to England to visit Dixie next summer.  So that's another 1 of my short term goals. This is us in New Orleans over Christmas break. 

Dix- this next pic is for you.  This, m'friend, is a drip castle.  You could also say it's a forest of evergreens covered in snow.

I haven't been the beach as much as one would expect, living in Florida and all.  Although, I did happen to make a trip 2 weekends ago, to St. George Island, where I crafted the above drip castle.  The weather, although warm, was foggy and mystical looking (see pic below), so using my abundant common sense, I failed to apply sunblock.  I thought "spf cloud" would block the harmful rays.  Believe that a week and a half later, I am STILL peeling skin off my body.  Gross.  Mark my words, friends, I will never make the mistake again.

The fog looked a lot prettier in person, it was almost magical.  And then around 3, the sky opened up, and that same ocean looked like this! Amazing!

 

Been thinking about this little boy a lot lately.  So I'll throw a pic up of his precious face.  I love this little man more than probably anybody else in the world.  He is perfection.  Miss you little man.

 

Speaking of people that I love.  These 2 girlies deserve a shout out. Olivia and Zoe are 2 of the cutest girls I know here in Tally and I look forward to being witness to their lives.  They're leaving me for the exotic intrigue of Utah...(ahem...cough)  Good luck to them and their endeavors! Love you friends! xoxo

Another person whom I love is this man.  He came to Orlando and did a Q&A for the single adults.  I was simply inspired.  I so appreciate and admire a person who manages to balance direct, guileless instruction with kindness.  I strive to be such a person.  

He spoke next to this sacred and beautiful building that I am hoping to get married in someday. Yes that is the Orlando temple.

Wasn't conference good last weekend?  I love conference.... oh sigh... I just love it.  I took lots of notes, but the biggest thing that I got, is cutting out the unimportant, uninspiring, and negative influences from my life.  Furthermore, and likewise being unapologetic about it!  Life is short, and it goes by so fast!  I must follow the admonition of the Apostle Paul who says to seek after only the best things in life.  And Prioritize!

Sacrifice means giving up good things for better things, not bad things for good things.  Put more eloquently; Sacrifice is the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.  I love it!  It's so empowering to do  hard things for the right reasons. 

President Monson and all other speakers at conference this last weekend, I love you...

So, did I mention I've been painting a bit since I moved to Tally?  I did 2 large pieces a few months ago, and have been waiting for some inspiration to finish my last one.  I finally got to it, this weekend, while I listened to conference.  It's my interpretation of the tree of life.  The lighting in the garage make the colors look a little drab here, but I am pleased with how it turned out.  I'd like to create a new painting every couple months.

In addition to my aforementioned goals, others include reading these books cover to cover:

Completing this series:

Begin reading:

And to take out my surf board and my long board and become mightily proficient.  Yes. Mightily proficient.

a possibility. 3 actually.

Last weekend, I went to Tampa to attend the Landmark Forum.  It's a sort of self-improvement program for people who want to experience a better quality of life.  (You can research it here if you wish.)

I want to share with you some of what I personally got out of it.  Brace yourself for some honesty.  It's almost painful for me to to post this.

I discovered that I have issues with authenticity.

[I'm curious. Are you surprised? I'm guessing you're probably not...]

It didn't really occur to me till this weekend, but I sort of energetically run around making sure I get the message across that my life is super awesome, hunky dorey, and I have not a care in the world, when I am actually drowning. 

I imagine myself at a large and beautiful pool, surrounded by people I know.  Everybody is soaking up the rays and peacefully enjoying one another's company.  I am out there in the deep end, I have a cute bathing suit on and a trendy swim cap, of course, but also these weights on my ankles which are pulling me down.  I am swallowing a lot of chlorinated water, while trying to breathe and tread water.  If anybody looks my way in concern, I laugh and hold up a sign that says, "Don't mind me, I'm exercising!" 

Ridiculous.

I guess, that's what I do.  I pretend to be enjoying my life.  I am concentrating so much of my efforts into making sure others believe I am enjoying myself, that in reality I am not b/c I'm never fully engaged in the moment.  Furthermore, I have this perceived idea of how I think others want me to be, and so I take on that persona.  As a result, my relationships suffer b/c, in order for me to keep it up, I have to maintain a safe distance with everybody.  This limits me tremendously and leaves me unfulfilled.  No matter where I am, I believe that I am an outsider, but I tell myself that it's ok, b/c at least I look like I'm fine.

The bottom line is that I'm so preoccupied with my idea of "looking good" that I am disengaged.  Besides being completely unsatisfying, two ironic things about this exist.  You can probably see right through my in-authenticity, number one, and number two, it doesn't actually look good anyhow.

What does this mean in specifics?... Well, I will tell you.

- I have relationships with men that I'm not actually in love with. (Anybody out there wondering why I'm still not married? Bingo.) There are various reasons, and so much more I could say on the matter, but I won't. Suffice it to say, that love has rarely been the driving force in my relationships.

-I have only dated 1 person that I was truly absolutely crazy into, but it ended quite abruptly b/c I couldn't be real with him.

-Years ago, in Idaho, I gave up my scholarship and a possible future performing to pursue something "more meaningful" [??] b/c I thought it made me look like an airhead with no ambition if I didn't.

- I went to college for Biology and Chemistry, which I had little interest in b/c it made me look smart.

- I nearly went into a profession (of dentistry) that I had zero passion for b/c it made me look capable.

-I kept all the rules b/c it made me look like a good girl.

-I haven't stuck with hardly anything, b/c I likely didn't start it for myself.

- I often don't listen when people are speaking b/c I'm anticipating the next thing that I'm going to say.

-I have been carrying on this charade for so long that I'm having trouble figuring out what it is I even want out of life.

And I believe the list could continue on indefinitely.  I'm hopelessly flawed, and not in the charming way Jane Austin says it.

Despite myself, and all my efforts, I have a two friends that boldly called me out on my shenanigans.  One did it on purpose and the other did it unwittingly, but they are both responsible for how I ended up here.  (In total seriousness, I feel that I am an addict who just had an intervention).

There is some good news, in case you're wondering.

- The first thing is that my frame of reference in dealing with others has shifted significantly.  I've immediately been experiencing increased love and compassion for people around me.  Although I am feeling sort of down for obvious reasons, I am feeling generous and easy about giving other people positive energy.  Normally, I walk through life quickly, busy in my head, aloof, and not noticing those around me too often.  I'm deliberate about the words and affection I offer people.  But now, I feel like I just want to look and smile to everybody who passes by me, and hug my friends.  

- Secondly, I feel sort of relieved.  I am giving myself the green light to be who I want to be. It's frankly exhausting to live in-authentically.  If the truth is that people see through my act, and are judging me anyhow, I might as well be true to myself and stop trying so hard to impress people that I probably don't even like in the first place.

So, I am creating for myself a few possibilities of being.

1. I am creating for myself the possibility of being true to my word.

2. I am creating for myself the possibility of being full of love and acceptance.

3. I am creating for myself the possibility of being courageous.

I no longer want to be a person who justifies myself out of commitments with "valid" reasons (it's too hard, too inconvenient, too embarrassing) of why I won't [fill in the blank] grow and progress.  I want incredible things to start happening.  And they will, by my having integrity to what I declare.

The incredible things of which I speak.

- I am going to be committed to my dancing business and I am going to learn my business.  It occurred to me last weekend that I have not been asking for help b/c I didn't want to appear incompetent.  I'm going to tell you right now.  I don't have a CLUE what I am doing here.  I've never owned a business before, I didn't go to school for business.  I have only been lucky so far, but now it's time to get real.  I have a lot to learn.  I am getting a coach, I am going to start asking questions and involving those around me so that my business is as successful as it can possibly be.

- I am going to have a real, intimate, and meaningful relationship with a man that I am absolutely butt crazy in love with.  I am not going to settle for less ever again b/c it's convenient or b/c I'm concerned with other people's opinions.  He is going to be my best friend.  He is going to know me b/c I am not going to withhold anything.  He is going to know that I love him b/c I am going to tell him and show him.

- I am going to be complete with my family.  I love them, and we are what we have.  I am going to call each of them once a week, and take the sacrifices needed to get my butt on a plane to see them more than once a year.

- I am going to magnify my church callings.  I am going to spend 30 minutes to an hour each day in deliberate study and preparation for my lessons, reading my scriptures and pondering ways to serve my neighbors (especially my visiting teach-ees).

Amen and good day.

Public Announcement

So, the other day, one of my younger-ish friends, (who I adore) during a game of ultimate Frisbee, turned to me and said,

"You know Jessica, I can totally see why O. and Z. love to hang out with you.  I used to love to hang out with this girl who was much older than me too, and it made me feel really cool."   ...

Apparently, I responded something like this... crooked half smile....... silence.............?............... "oh!............ yeah!...... me too!"..............silence...........crooked half smile.........averting eyes......then running away...................
See, we were playing a game, so it was socially acceptable for me to run away at that moment..., but then I came back, b/c I was guarding her.  Before I fled the scene, I suppose she sensed that perhaps she offended me, so she proceeded to tell me that she meant it as a compliment and hoped she hadn't hurt my feelings by *ahem* calling me old.... ?

I wasn't offended.  I was surprised-turned speechless due to my inability to run and think at the same time.

It gave me pause though....
I am 28 now.... weird.
Wait.... am I old?
No! I'm not ollld.... I'm just... me.
But... is it weird that I love to hang out with a couple girls that are 8-10 years younger than me?
No! They're awesome!  Besides. I enjoy keeping the company of people of all ages.  It keeps things interesting.

I'm pretty sure that is what my friend was trying to say.  She can see that I am super awesome b/c I can hang out with younger girls due to my own youthful energy and vibrancy.  ;)

But I would still like to make a public announcement.

If you want to make comments to me about my age, marital status, bmi, car, fingernail polish, hair style, obsession with personality tests or any other Jessica-esque quality that I possess- It's alright. I enjoy the attention! And don't worry, I won't get offended either.  I'm pretty sure taking offense gives you wrinkles.  However, I can't promise that I won't over-analyze the situation though, just to check in and make sure that I'm still a contributing member of society....

Anywhooooo....

Oh yeah. So, I turned 28 yesterday!  All I cared about was cake-  Did I get some? Yes I did, and my friends even made it for me! Nice!
Aaaand I'm pretty sure Facebook was invented to boost my self-esteem.  I loved the birthday wishes on there. I felt the love fo sho. ThankshGUyzh!

(In case you're wondering what happened to the masquerade plans- we did not have a masquerade party, there were just too many conflicting elements (such as ward activities and missionary going away parties) that caused us to merely postpone it till maybe next month.  Stay tuned for masked awesome-ness coming to you in the near future.)

Here are some completely age appropriate photos of me from last month- Y'know- Doing my thang with my bf Dixie, who also happens to be 28. 

Christmas in Louisiana

This is Dixie, Ayden and Vera. Ayden has the biggest heart of any little boy I've ever met. He loves kissing his cousin Vera and little sister and hanging out with his "aunt" Jessica. I am going to miss this kiddo.

This is Stacy, Dixie's sister.  She is pretty rad.  Her and her husband Josh were hostesses for Christmas and were way awesome about me crashing in on all the fun.  I love their family like my own.

Pawpaw Chuck!

These two little girlies make me want to have babies. They are soooo sweet.

Seeesters Stacy and Dixie

This is Stacy's husband Josh, with Vera and Pawpaw.  I love this picture.  Vera is so happy!

Just arrived to New Orleans for some site seeing and shopping.

Ian, funny kid.  He wouldn't take these sunglasses off for anything. I think it was like one of those "Big Daddy" things where he's protected from strangers with em on.  Ian cracked me up the whole trip.  He has the face and demeanor and middle name sake of his pawpaw Chuck, and it's super cute.

So you know how some cities have those silver statue looking dudes that pose very still and if you give him a dollar they'll do something crazy or unexpected?  Yeah.  This wasn't one of those kind of moments. He was really just a statue. This uber lame dude in the yellow was the "artist"....Scam artist....

Some of the fam walking around

This is a muffalata... it's something you gotta try when in New Orleans. Preee good.

French quarter

Bras.

Bourbon Street

This voodoo doll store was awesome. I loved the colors and creativity.  Dixie and I got each other little voodoo keychain dolls.  Hers had a mohawk and mine had a tutu.

Jamie Hayes is a known local artist who creates bright and fun pieces that I dig.

This keyboard smile is sort of his token signature.

Frolf! Markus on the left is Dixie's husband and Josh on the right is Stacy's.  These guys are a lot of fun to be around, as you can see.

gift wrapping

Vera enjoying the paper as much as the gifts :)

Ayden got this awesome 4D shark model that I loved just as much as he did.  Ayden and I both share an affinity for sharks, which I think is sort of unusual as most people prefer dolphins or whatever.  Anyway, we watched a lot of YouTube shark videos and stuff together.  T'was fun.

Cute as a button

Ian waiting for the fun to begin.  Hilarious.

Dixie and Afton.  Afton has the cutest voice.  She jibberjabbers constantly and I love it.  She is such a cool kid.  It's strange that she's only 7 months older than Vera.   She has like this old soul and you almost forget she's a baby.  I love that little girl!

Shark tooth.  You can hardly see it, and I'm not sure why he's frowing...buuut he was pretty excited about it.  This must be his earnest look. haha

Impromptu karaoke.  This is Ms Lorna singing with Vera and Josh

Stacy, Dixie, Charlie, Aunt Videt, and uncle David singing Christmas songs.

The family