Saturday, February 13, 2016

Writing again.

I have gotten cautious in my 30's. I am more reserved about the stuff I put out there for others to judge me by. I remember that I used to be such an open person, lacking informational boundaries. It used to feel like such a cathartic relief to express myself in words. I had little shame. I was self-deprecating in a way that probably projected low self-esteem, but it was undetectable to me. I thought I was candid and relate-able, therefore obviously, universally liked.
After I didn't get into dental school, on my first try, to the only school I (foolishly) applied to; And after I didn't get to marry that cute pseudo-fiance because his family made it clear that I wasn't good enough for their son/brother. I was humiliated beyond coping. Life got so that "I couldn't even", as they say.

Since my best girlfriend at the time was soon moving out of state, I did what my lost, co-dependent, twenty-something-year-old head thought was reasonable, and I found a way to follow her. It wasn't hard either. She was thrilled, and my boss offered to have me franchise her mobile dance company. I said yes after a week of consideration. I signed and committed to living indefinitely in a place I had never even visited - Tallahassee, Florida.

It's been a struggle to get me to write anything ever since. Perhaps my type of writing is a type of accepting the right here, right now. And I've been very busy avoiding and rejecting the present moment, by way of A. Analyzing out all that went wrong in Virginia. B. Plotting an educational comeback (medical school) and subsequent career change, but never taking action. C. Constantly, running over in my mind when and how I stopped trusting myself and naturally, wondering if I ever did.

I like this new-ish movement happening where vulnerability is encouraged and thought of as powerful. I meditate now and it's teaching me some things about acceptance and self-worth. So I'm on a conscious journey now, and it's making me want to write.

A friend once told me that I always should include a picture whenever I blog. So, here you go. A picture of me and Nate' shortly after moving to Tallahassee.

1 comment:

Ash said...

it's been sooo long! I love this post. I'm back in Richmond after trying to get away several times because of the pain/hurt that is here. But it's been really good for me to come back. I hope where you are you know that you are amazing and that you made a difference for good in my life!

-Ashley Burton