embracing my mediocrity?

If you're looking for a pick-me-up, read no further, I'm about to complain.
This is the first semester in my life as a college student that I'm not working part-time. I'm sacrificing the extra cash so my last semester of college grades will be impeccable. There should be no excuse for less than perfection. My plan is not working.
I feel like I have the exact same amount of time on my hands as before, sans dinero- and performing at an equivalent level.
I'm having this inner conflict. Half of me just wants to shrug and be like "...so I'm not exceptional...who cares, at least I know I worked hard."
The other half of me wants to sort of freak out in an unattractive way...
This plays into my discouragement about graduate school. I REALLY want to go, a bachelor's is just not enough for me... but I'm like...dang, can I hack it?

Spain

I miss Spain.
You know how they say "youth is wasted on the young"... Spain was wasted on me 3 and 4 years ago. I didn't appreciate it enough. I want to go back and do it again, but better.
I want to eavesdrop on conversations held in my favorite Spanish accent.
I want to spend all day at the public pool.
I want to meet random travelers and have deep meaningful conversations about passion and life.
I want to see the little kids running around playing football at 10 o clock a night while their parents sit outside and talk.
I want to siesta.
I want to see teenagers making out in every single park b/c it's normal.
I want perfect strangers to kiss me on the cheek.
I want to dine on paella and croquetas and tapas and fruit.
I want to look at the Christian and Moorish art and architecture.
I want to smell the orange trees and the roses.
I want to read whatever I want to.
I want to take great amounts of time to meditate and dream.



I remember thinking while I was in Spain- The best thing about traveling is that you get the opportunity to see how other cultures live, take the good ideas they have, and incorporate them into your own life. I thought, I can't wait to go home and live as the Spaniards do. They're such free spirits.
Maybe I don't want to go back to Spain, maybe I just want to feel the way I did when I was there.

I want to live today for today. I want to live in this moment and relish it fully. I want to embrace my emotions and express them freely without fear. I want to be more balanced, taking time to do the things I really want to do-
art, reading, spanish, meditation, writing, exploring

xo

ahh...there's nothing better than to kiss and be kissed.

...

I...don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot

Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here..

beautiful ballerina

a dream is a wish your heart makes

Today I've been thinking about mathematical derivatives, editing, and the muscles of a cat. My future is knock. knock. knocking at my door and I can't seem to wrap my mind around the sound that compels me to get up and answer... I want to think about beautiful things; about Cinderella and ballerinas. I want to imagine turquoise water and salty air. I want to hear Spanish music in the background...

a good book

I am something of a moderate to avid reader. Last semester, however, I got into this unusual habit of picking up a book, reading half of it and then having zero desire to ever pick it up again. And let me tell you, I am not one that doesn't finish books willy nilly, no siree. Even if I hate a book and think it's garbage, I will finish it, by golly! I think I started five books last term and all of them remain, and will forever remain unfinished.
I don't know if I'm cured of whatever demon that is possessing me to inappreciatively toss unread books here and there, but I am currently reading a lil something interesting that has caught my attention.
Let me present to you Outliers.



It's about why some people are successful and why others are not. Love it, get your copy today.

math-lab musings

On VCU's undergrad campus right before the intersection of Harrison and Main the Chemistry building on one side of Main and Harris Hall on the other side of main connect by way of a connecting bridge. This walkway houses VCU's math lab. There are windows that line both sides so you can see the cars driving under you. In the hall part tables line the windows so you can do your work and look out onto the intersection. It's nice b/c beyond Harrison, Main is lined with European looking business buildings that are multicolored. It's fun to watch the stoplights change and the flow of traffic move. I like to watch the pedestrians, and the supply trucks come to unload their wares to 7-eleven, and Piccola's. It makes me kind of wonder what it would be like to be a delivery man; out and about all day.
It's amazing to note how many accidents DON'T happen everyday-How many pedestrians that aren't run over. From up there, you can see that traffic generally flows pretty seamlessly, but it's common to see close calls for accidents. Student pedestrians often assume right of way and just walk straight into traffic causing drivers to have to make split second decisions on whether or not to hit the idiot. There are always cars assuming right of way and make others have to slow way down, even stop. It compels me to ponder on this concept of "right of way".
I admire the drivers who graciously ease back and allow other cars and pedestrians in and out without getting all riled up, honking and driving their tails-who simply allow others to do their thing and pass.
I bet those same people in real life just kind of take life as it comes without getting their tail feathers in a twist about who/what is intentionally/unintentionally crossing them.
Taking offense is really such a wasted emotion, primarily when offense was not meant to be given.
I wish to be more like that. I want to just love others unconditionally and not judge what their intentions may be. I'd like to be one who just lets things roll of my back and not adversely affect me.