rediscovering the past.

Back in the day, before adolescent insecurity made its mark, I was an openly enthusiastic artist. I was never without pen in hand, drawings on paper, and ideas on the brain. I intrinsically knew that I was talented, but I was also reinforced with much praise and awards. I felt special. I had an eye for what looked good; it was natural for me. My peers always came to me for input and help with their posters or projects. Adults often asked for my help too.

At home, my mom was my biggest advocate. She was forever having me make her posters for PTA or church. The best thing was that she allowed me to rearrange furniture in the house, paint and express my creativity on a grand scale. I was free to make my room completely my own and change it as often as I wanted.

However, there were adults who did not encourage me. My wish was to attend the Art Institute of Seattle for Interior Design. Role models that I looked to for guidance discouraged me saying I should spend my time developing more worthy endeavors. Art students were not celebrated in my school. They were those with extreme fashion choices and rebellious dispositions, who ended up in remedial math. Art was a hobby, not something to go to college for and certainly not a career. I figured that my talents weren't worthy. I envied my friends and their left-brained ways. I was a good student, by no means a slacker, but I wished to be more like them. I decided I needed to find a more productive pursuit...

Years later, with a Biology degree, a minor in chemistry and a minor in Spanish, I'm wondering how I might do things differently if I could go back. On the one hand, I'm terribly proud of myself of what I've just accomplished. Biology and chemistry are hard, and I stuck with it. Good job, me.

On the other, if I could go back and talk to pre-scientist Jessica, I might tell her to listen to her heart and trust herself... Do what you really want to do without worrying.

I have done a lot of wonderful things since graduating high school...

I moved to VA.



I lived in Spain twice...



I learned how to Flamenco dance



I saw the Eiffle Tower



I filled up ~12 journals and read some good books.



But I would say...the grand and gross majority of my time has been doing stuff that I'm neither excellent in, nor do I enjoy much. For what?

Somebody asked me relatively recently what I was passionate about.... I couldn't remember. I must have muttered something about ...something... and walked away feeling like a loser. Since then, I haven't stopped thinking about it, and asking myself questions about every aspect of my life...but mainly this:

Is there something that I love that I never get bored thinking about or frustrated with...and could just do indefinitely? Do I have a pAssioN?? ...

For nearly 2 weeks, I haven't had to think about exams or starting a new semester or working. (I've been taking classes full time even in summers and working non stop for five years, I'm strictly on vacation now). I've been able to just do what I want to do, distantly pondering in the back of my mind what's next for me...

So how have I been filling my time?
watching every show on HGTV: Curb Appeal, Color Splash, House Hunters, Designed to Sell, Carter Can, etc, etc, etc...
Hello Carter Oosterhouse....


Watching anything related to home design on TLC...
Pouring over design blogs and magazines...
Aimlessly wandering around furniture stores like Arhaus ...




Lastly, telling everybody that I'm pursuing a job at home depot...



Anyways. As you might know, along the way, I developed an interest in dentistry. I'm no longer on that path per se. Instead, I am going to do the 2 year hygiene program. It's a practical move as I have student loans to take care of and I can't just drop everything now and become some free lance land scape artist... So what of my newly rediscovered passion? Well, I'm going to do that too. You'll see. It feels pretty good.



P.S. good for u if you read through this entire blog! Longest blog ever!