a thought.

OK. So I know I've been uber depress-fest lately...  Look, I'm sorry!

I almost can't help it.  If get a thought in my head, practically any idea AT ALL, it will spin, and toil, and run around my brain, and then sit impatiently on the ledge, until I let it out.  It's a rule.  Furthermore, if I do not express the idea in the right words and adequately, under my own arbitrary standard, then I have to repeat myself and try out different ways of saying it, until I'm satisfied. 

I've come to realize that this can be a problem.

It can be a problem for my own sanity.  And it can be a problem for the sanity of my l.o.s (loved ones) who suffer through my jibber jabbering.

Last night, after putting my dearest l.o. through one of my problem solving & (I thought) meaningful conversations about ... problems and solving them, something came to my attention.

You know how in church we're taught to control our thoughts?- sing a hymn, count down from 1000 by 3's, or whatever?  In my naivity, I have always sort of assumed that this was in reference to pornographic thoughts, and maybe hateful thoughts. All other ideas in my mind being 100% relevant and imperative.  Period.  Why else would they be there?!  It has never truly occurred to me that thoughts of negativity could be lies coming from the adversary, and were to be combated not entertained.  (You knew this, right?)

Moreover, I have always treated negative/downer thoughts (read: doubt, fear, anger, hurt, frustration) as indicators that I'm doing something wrong.  That I am wrong... "STOP/CHANGE whatever it is you're doing, NOW! Analyzation and problem-solvation are in order!"  Basically.  (Can you imagine my further frustration/confusion?)  It seemed ludicrous ignore such thoughts or *gasp*- let them GO.

Well, now, I'm hoping to change my tune.  In the face of major change, I am witnessing some of my unflattering tendencies come to the forefront and it doesn't suit.  I want to be the best person I can be.  I recognize this as something that I can do better.

Doubt and fear are useless emotions.  I can completely throw them out.  If I know something to be right and true, I can charge forward with faith and cheer.   I don't need reassurance from an outside source.  I know it in my heart already.

Anger, hurt and frustration, with a little more thought, can be turned into understanding, selflessness, and love... And PATIENCE!!!  Oh and don't forget faith! Yeah man.  I really want some more of that stuff.

It is important to control your thoughts instead of being subject to random synaptic firings. C'mon girl.

So, I'm thinking lots of prayer and help from the H.G.will help me with this challenge.

I'm mildly embarrassed that I'm barely coming to this realization now, but I thought I'd share.  Maybe you deal with the same thing from time to time?